Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear recently, mainly because I’ve been doing quite a few fairly scary things over the last few weeks!

Specifically, I’ve been thinking about feeling the fear and doing it anyway, and how not being able to do that, holds a lot of people back from success.  But before we talk about that, let’s look at what fear actually is.

From the website “How Stuff Works”

“Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles, among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response. The stimulus could be a spider, a knife at your throat, an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak or the sudden thud of your front door against the door frame.

The brain is a profoundly complex organ. More than 100 billion nerve cells comprise an intricate network of communications that is the starting point of everything we sense, think and do. Some of these communications lead to conscious thought and action, while others produce autonomic responses. The fear response is almost entirely autonomic: We don’t consciously trigger it or even know what’s going on until it has run its course.

Because cells in the brain are constantly transferring information and triggering responses, there are dozens of areas of the brain at least peripherally involved in fear. But research has discovered that certain parts of the brain play central roles in the process…..”

Read more here >>

And Wikipedia has an interesting take on it

“Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain. Psychologists John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear is one of a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat.

Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.[1] Worth noting is that fear always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable.”

Read more here >>

Notice that Wikipedia says “fear always relates to future events….” and this would seem to be born out by the list of the things people fear most.

What do people fear most?

One survey says that at the top of the list is death, the fear of which is necrophobia. Second, apparently, is the fear of failure, which is called kakorrhaphiophobia. Wikipedia lists “spiders, snakes, heights, water, enclosed spaces, tunnels and bridges, social rejection, failure, and public speaking” as the most common fears.

In an innovative test of what people fear the most, Bill Tancer analyzed the most frequent online search queries that involved the phrase, “fear of…”. This follows the assumption that people tend to seek information on the issues that concern them the most. His top ten list of fears consisted of flying, heights, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, success, and driving

From my work in The Money Gym, I notice that a lot of our members fear “other people’s opinions” quite a lot.  They don’t want to be perceived to be different, or to be ridiculed or rejected, if they become interested in wealth creation or even if they become wealthy. They are almost shooting themselves in teh foot because they are afraid of success.

On that topic, I was on a “experts panel” once at the World Internet Summit, when  a speaker asked the audience why they might NOT want to become internet millionaires and one brave soul said that she was worried that she might not be able to handle the emails!

Time management expert Mark Forster describes these as anti-goals and that you have to identify your anti-goals, or fears around achieving something, or you will sabotage yourself and won’t succeed.

For example, I have a goal to become an international speaker, but when I identified my anti-goals around that, I was fearful of being on the road all the time, away from my family, staying in grotty hotels, driving constantly and turning up to speak for free to only six people!

Once I had identified those anti-goals, I was able to reframe my goal to say “I am an in-demand international paid speaker, who picks her gigs carefully, only speaking to big crowds, staying in five star hotels and travelling first class”

Being fearful is not the same as worrying….I used to be a terrible worry-wort, particularly about what people would say/think if I asked for what I wanted/needed.  Then Judith pointed out that I was hallucinating, as I had no idea how people would react, and Steve pointed out that I was being narcissistic, as I was always projecting onto others how I would feel in that situation.

Speaking personally, I’m not afraid of rejection, or other people’s opinions (unless it’s the people I love), I love public speaking – one of my sisters is an Opera Singer and we don’t think we have a “stagefright” gene in the Cairncross gene pool – and I’ve failed so many times I’ve seriously got over that one, because I have always known, deep down, that one day I will succeed.

So what am I afraid of and why are my fears coming up so much while I’m on holiday?  I’m almost afraid to tell you (write them down) in case I manifest them!!

Fears that have surfaced for me in the last few weeks, while travelling, are….

Fear of driving on the right hand side, particularly on windy greek and spanish country roads.  Actually it’s more specific than that – it’s of the brakes failiing with a carful of kids.  And I hate the thought of the car not “catching” when going up a steep slope in first gear…and there are a lot of those in both Greece and Spain.  Just getting from the main road in Casares to the municipal carpark involves hairpin bends and steep slopes!

Fear of flying – particularly the landings.  I have to meditate quite hard to get over that one.  Dawn French summed it up when she said that she can’t go on holiday for only a week, it has to be at least two to make up for the stress of flying as she feels that it’s only her will power alone that keeps the plane in the air, and if she relaxes for a second, the plane will plummet out of the skies.  She wonders how all the other planes manage, when she’s at home, but supposes that every one must have a “Dawn” on board to keep them airborne.

I’m not massively keen on swimming out of my depth, and there is NO WAY I can swim over rocks or seaweed.  That’s why I love Kologria Beach in Stoupa so much, clear golden sand, goes out for miles, and while there are tiny transparent fish there, they are miles away from your feet.  I discovered yesterday at Estapona Beach, that I have a fear of sharks and if the water is cold enough, I start thinking of the possibility of being eaten while swimming so I can’t swim out deeper than anyone else on the beach.

I have a huge fear of insects, particularly spiders and daddy-long-legs (like particulary daft flying spiders) but anything with legs and wings will do.  Euuuuughhhh.  Hate mossies too, and if I hear one in a room, there is NO WAY I can sleep.  Mossie nets and plugin chemicals get me over that one.  At home, I have a long-handled spider catcher which has set me free to a large degree (really need to find a manufacturer for that one – it’s a sure fire commercial success!  Mine was made by a little man in his shed, bought on Ebay)

So how do I get over all these fears, which even when I write them down, look a bit daft by some peoples standards?

Well, I just have to.  I want the kids to have this experience and I don’t want them to grow up a scaredy-cat like I was as a child.  Also, Sarah is here, and I want her to experience things to…so actually I’m forcing myself to get over fears for others, when perhaps I wouldn’t do stuff like this if I was on my own.

So how do I do it?  I just tell myself or even shout out loud sometimes…. “feel the fear and do it anyway!!” and then get on and do it.

With most of the above, apart from the insect thing, it works and we are having loads of fun, which helps a lot, along with the sense of achievement you get after overcoming a fear or two.

In conclusion, I would say that knowing yourself well, working with your silly old fears, but overcoming some by sheer force of will, remembering that not everyone reacts/feels like you, will help you on your road to success.

So what are you afraid of?

It helps to visualise the outcome  or payoff – by hiring two cars in Spain, we saved a small fortune on taxis and we are completely mobile, no mean feat for two grownups and six children of varying ages, in another country.  The other benefit is that Sarah has got over the hump of driving on the right for the first time, and I’m more confident with it, because I had to look brave for her.

How can you find a practical solution (like a long handled spider catcher for example) or how could you ease yourself in gradually (like swimming out of your depth in a crystal clear blue sea).

Perhaps you could find someone who regularly does – confidently – what you want to do, and talk to them about how they felt the first few times.

You might be amazed to find that they were scared witless too, and that they just felt the fear and did it anyway!

So they succeeded in their goals and ambitions.

Just like you can too.

Doing The Easy Bits First & Then Living Your Life On Purpose

As I said in my “Note From Nicola” this week, Judith and I have been discussing via Skype what The Money Gym looks like for the rest of this year and next.  We love to do this “blue sky” thinking and like to do it before board meetings because Steve prefers more practically orientated chat.  We are having an interim board meeting on Monday to confirm it all in terms of strategy and then hammer out a “to do” and “who to do” list.

We also ask Money Gym students to do this, but more gently, in the form of the “Tuesday Exercise” which you can find in the Money Gym book.  This asks the reader to imagine what a normal Tuesday would look like, from the moment you wake up till the moment you go to bed;  who you are with, what you spend your time doing, which country you are living in, what you see out of the windows, and we encourage them

I started to write an article about it all, and why it’s important to design your business to suit you, your life, your strengths and skills and then I suddenly thought…….hang on, Judith will have written about this more eloquently than I ever could, especially as I’m not feeling 100% this week.  And she didn’t let me down!

Judith says : “I’m doing the easy bits first.  The easy bits are those which just flow, things I can’t wait to tell you or share with you, arising from thoughts I have been saving for just this moment.

I suggest you notice when things “just flow” for you – what are you doing, and how can you do more of it?

It’s All About “Creating a Business to Love – Your Primary Aim”

“It never fails to amaze me how disconnected people can be from what should be the central issue of their lives, which is of course… LIFE .”

“A business without life is no business at all.   But I can easily imagine a life without business.”   Michael Gerber

As you know, Michael Gerber’s “The E-Myth Revisited” subtited (scarily) “Why most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What do Do About It” is just one of my main coaching tools.

For a long time, it was my business bible, and I have been to the first all-women Leadership Intensive in California with the E-Myth Worldwide.

I want to share with you the importance of having a “Primary Aim” for your life, with which your business is aligned.

It’s About Your Life.

Your Primary Aim is about leading a life that is consistent with your innermost desires, core calues, and beliefs.   A life that “feels right” every day, that gives you a deeper sense of fulfillment and meaning with every year that passes.   A life you live intentionally rather than randomly.

In that simple statement lies the key to living a happy, fulfilled life.   A life that is meaningful to you.   A life in which your business plays a significant role, but far from the only role.   A life of joy.   And probably not the life you’re leading now.

Your Primary Aim is your innermost driving force.   It’s the source of the vitality, the commitment, the vision you need to get the most out of your life and to create a remarkable business in the process.   It is that which, more than anything else, gives you a sense of direction and purpose, motivates you to your highest levels of energy, and sustains you over the long haul.

What’s yours?

Here’s how to find it.   Ask yourself:

What would you like to be able to say about your life after it’s too late to do anything about it?

How do I wish my life to be on a day-to-day basis?

How would I like to be with other people in my life – my family, my friends, my business associates, my customers, my employees, my community?

What would I like to be doing two years from now?   Ten years from now?   Twenty years from now?   When my life comes to a close?

What specifically would I like to learn during my life – spiritually, physically, financially, technically, intellectually? About relationships?

How much money will I need to do the things I wish to do? By when will I need it?

Your Primary Aim provides you with a purpose, it provides you with energy.   Live your life with intention.   People may not remember what you say but they will definitely remember how you made them feel.

Once you have worked out what your Primary Aim is, does your business serve it, chime with it, or fight against it?

Thanks to E-Myth and Michael and Michele from http://www.successmadefun.com I know what my Primary Aim is and I share it with you here:

* I honour my own light first and I illuminate the way for others.

This is my purpose.   I am on fire!

Would you like to feel this way about your life, about your business?

Without it, how will you have a successful life or business? How would you know what first step to take? How would you measure your progress? How would you know where you were? How would you know how far you had gone? How would you know how much farther you had yet to go?

All you need to do is take your life seriously, begin living it as if it were important.   To create it intentionally and actively make your life the life you wish it to be.   Create a Business and a Life to Love.

Simple?   Yes.

Easy?   No.

I am grateful to the E-Myth Worldwide for this material.   I remember where I when I first read this powerful book, how it told my life story, how I resolved to change it that day and help as many others through spreading its message far and wide in the business community.

The E-Myth Revisited is just one of the books we recommend as essential reading in our Money Gym Silver program and is easily obtainable and affordable via www.amazon.co.uk though!

Other books we recommend around this topic are

“Synchronicity: The Inner Path Of Leadership” by Joseph Jaworski
“The 4-Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferris

Sex, Food, Gary Vee & Gordon Ramsey

I’m spending a lovely evening after coming back from Ikea (helping my sister Sarah buy stuff for her new house after chucking out all her old stuff along with her ex very unfaithful husband!) and I’m drinking a fine Chablis while watching Gordon Ramsey’s “Cookalong” alongside Gary Vay.Ner.Chuk’s wonderful online show.

For Gary Vee, it’s a Tesco Chablis “appellation controllee” and nothing on the label but when you go round the back you see “Produced &  Bottled by Union Des Vitculteurs de Chablis, BD Pasteur8, 89800, Chablis, France”

So I think it’s real and a collaborative effort, but very palatable and presumably very affordable by Tescos.

I haven’t had to “cookalong” with Gordon, because Steve made one of his more “naughty” dinners, involving pasta, onions, polish lardons, mushrooms, the said Chablis, lots of calories…..tasty but hey, not helping the “get slim before the secret holiday” campaign.

I would be as thin as Cheryl Cole if I didn’t love life, love, food & wine so much.  Sigh.

I know I shouldn’t be watching Gordon after he’s screwed up so badly (sic) but hey, he’s good tv and I’m not married to him.  Tana has decided to stay and “stand by her man” (too much to lose, I don’t think so as her Dad is Gordons’ business partner, but Gordon is an alpha male par excellence).

Cheryl Cole stayed by her man too, even though she was a successful pop star in “Girls Aloud” and could have left, but somehow her staying, made all those other women who did the same, love her.

And those who wouldn’t have, too.

Back to Gordon Ramsay…….Late night, if you met him in a hotel, and he fancied you…..how could you resist?

Especially if you were lonely and starving – he had a bottle of chilled Chablis and offered to knock up a stir fry in his room via a plug-in wok?  Don’t larf, I’ve been there!

Gary Vee will hopefully avoid the trap of money, celebrity, travel, hotel rooms and women but hey, he’s so good at “social networking” as he is (and he IS my hero on this front) AND he’s only a man after all.

And the women he will meet are only women after all.  Hungry ones.  Thirsty ones.  For all sorts of reasons.

So, what should we all keep in mind when away at cooking/business/internet marketing conferences?

We need to remember how much we love those who are at home, getting on with the day to day stuff.  The kids, the wives, the husbands, the partners,  the business partners.

The one’s who make it all possible.

Gary Vee projects authenticity (love his take on Britney twittering), and he seems to be in love, and a great bloke, but the best live performers are often riddled with self doubt, insecurity, and loneliness, and can’t cope with the empty lonely hungry hotel rooms which is where it all goes “tits up”

Gary, take your love on tour with you, and when you have kids, stop going for a while, ok?

Check Gary’s amazing show out here >>>